, June and July 2003

Several months before I was to renew my vows as a Sister of St. Joseph in 1992, I fell in love. In many ways it was the longest summer of my life, and in many other ways the days and nights flew by leaving me with a sense of urgency to make a decision that would ultimately shape and define my life. Just weeks before I was to renew my vows, while on retreat I came to the undeniable awareness that while I knew full well that I could marry and have a family and perhaps be quite happy in that, I would not be fulfilled in the same way that my life had been and was fulfilling as a Sister of St. Joseph.

Just weeks after that retreat I renewed my vows with a great deal of freedom and joy, and shortly after that I visited one more time with David, and suddenly I was beset by doubt about the choice that I had made.

If we believe in the power of the spirit of God in our lives, then we would be foolhardy not to also believe in an equally powerful spirit that has the capacity to distract, tempt and lead us away from God’s deepest desires for us. Quite often after we’ve made a significant choice or decision or even when we’re nearing closure on a significant choice or decision, we can be beset by doubt so deep that we begin to question all that’s gone before to bring us to our choice.

The process of discernment is to bring us to a choice, a decision or an action. However, having arrived at that the discernment process does not end there. The process is only complete when the decision, choice or action has been confirmed in its living out. . . or not confirmed in its living out.

The great discipline — once a choice or a decision has been made or an action determined — is to live wholeheartedly into it, expecting that it will be confirmed through an increase in the gifts of the Holy Spirit — love, patience, joy, peace. . .

The great wisdom — once a choice or a decision has been made or an action taken — is to expect that in some way we will be tempted against the choice, particularly if the choice is truly of God.

Living wholeheartedly into a choice means just that — that we live with our whole heart directed toward the choice, decision or action; that we give ourselves completely to what it asks, requires and provides for us. And in that living we look for tell-tale signs that our choice is of God; we look for the gifts of the Holy Spirit manifested in our own lives and in the lives of those around us because of our living.

Living wholeheartedly also means that, while we can expect that there will be doubts and temptations, we first look at those in light of the choice we’ve made and not as a replacement for it.

The spirit that is opposed to God in our lives, that manifests itself in our sinfulness, spiritual sloth and willful pride can be quite subtle and can appear to offer us quite appealing alternatives to what God’s deepest desires might be for us. It’s likely the more significant and important the choice we’ve made, the more tempting and subtle the distractions and doubts will be afterwards.

Over time we will be able to see the lasting and pervasive feelings and circumstances that arise because of our choice. Only over time will we be able to come to greater clarity of whether our choice is confirmed through an increase in the gifts of the Holy Spirit or is not confirmed by those fruits. It’s important during this time to continue to recall the pattern of God’s grace in our lives, to rely on the insights of those who know us well and who love us and to continue to seek the wisdom of a spiritual guide or mentor.

Over time, the doubts that I had about renewing my vows dissipated and what emerged for me after that choice was an ongoing and deepening love for God and awareness of God’s love for me. To this day that choice defines and shapes my life. It doesn’t, however, keep all doubts and temptations at bay all of the time. Entertaining those doubts and temptations in light of the direction and choice of my life has continually resulted in an ongoing confirmation of a choice that began to take root in me years ago.

— Sister Mary Pellegrino

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